When your ex is dating your friend

It hurts to feel rejected by a partner, it hurts more when your friend " betrays " you and starts seeing your ex. I know how that feels and I know it sucks. Even if your friend had come to you first and told you about their intentions, it still hurts. It's easy to say that if they had done things this way, or that way, it would hurt less, but in my experience it doesn't. Having been in the others roles of this situation, I can tell you that they didn't do that to you. They most likely got together the way most couples do, and that didn't really have anything to do with you.

They're not dating to hurt you, they're dating because they like each other. My issue is that given our history, I have no idea what my appropriate attitude should be towards them and how to interact with them when it comes to it. What would be a mature way to handle it, without me looking like a beaten dog? I know that's hard to hear right now, I hated hearing it too, and I hated saying it more. Realistically it's all you can do if you want to have any sort of peaceful relationship with these people. Also, being happy for them and moving on shows that you're not a "beaten dog" It shows that you're strong enough to not let this stuff get to you.

It takes a lot of strength to carry on after a hard breakup, and it's better try to do it gracefully. Being happy for them shows that you're confident, and ok with your self as much as it says that you're ok with them. One of the key ingredients in any healthy relationship be it business, friendship, or romance, is Trust. When your friend violated the ideal that you listed he destroyed your trust in him. This is extremely damaging to a relationship. If these two had been honest and had wanted to not betray you they would have A told you they were going to date each other. B she would have broken up with you before sleeping with someone else.

I have to applaud your forgiving attitude towards your girlfriends initially. It takes a lot of effort and courage to forgive betrayals like you suffered.

It’s never OK to date your friend’s ex – and this is why

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Don't hang out with either of them. If they show up at a party, just say hi and go find someone else to talk too. Don't invite them to anything you plan. If any one asks why you are treating them this way tell them something along the lines of, "They betrayed my trust. I will be polite to them, But I have no desire to be around them. Try this on for size. You are presuming that Mike owed you some sort of interaction about this, and you are disappointed you didn't get it. Ok, now you also call yourself an introvert.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and you were dating Mike's ex, would it have occurred to you that you owed Mike a conversation? Ok, if it did Would you feel eager to have that conversation?

Maybe Mike or Jane is going through that. If there's tension in the room, it maybe ain't just yours. Or for that matter, they could have tension you do not. Some of the tension might be imagined worry over what the other might think. You can look to the past and count all the ways your feelings hurt. Or you can look to the future and decide what kind of relationship you'd like to have with them going forward.

The clearer and more self-true you are on this, the better it will work. And then you can outreach them and figure out where they're at.

3 Ways to Deal when an Ex Dates a Friend - wikiHow

It may be they are relieved to know that what they presumed to be a problem for you is in fact not. Also, cut your ex some slack. It's hard to navigate them well even when both of you have the best character and intentions.


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It's the human condition but it doesn't define our choices. Thank you for your interest in this question. Because it has attracted low-quality or spam answers that had to be removed, posting an answer now requires 10 reputation on this site the association bonus does not count.


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  • Would you like to answer one of these unanswered questions instead? Home Questions Tags Users Unanswered. How to interact with a friend dating my ex-girlfriend when we hang out? Background Jane and I belonged to the same group of friends since childhood. Problem Her dating Mike, in fact, did not surprise me that much.

    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because we cannot give relationship advice.

    1. Ask for Respect

    Questions at IPS require a goal we can address within the context of interpersonal skills. First of all, please narrow this down to 1 question, so the extra questions bit has to go. What exactly is your goal here? Why are you asking us, and what are you asking us for help with? Do you want to have a frank talk with Mike about not telling you, so that hopefully things are talked out before you ever have to interact with both of them? Do you want to 'act normally' which we can't answer since we don't know what's normal for you? Tinkeringbell I edited out the extra question. What I want is to keep my friends including Mike and basically not address the fact of them dating.

    Dealing with related issues myself, so my heart really goes out to you, but like the above comments - you have to figure out what you want to do first, and then we can help you figure out how. EmC Thank you for input. I don't have to stay in contact with them, but I want to. Yes, by keeping the friends, I meant keep hanging out with them, I edited the question to be more clear about that. I'll start out by quoting apaul's very gracious answer: They're not dating to hurt you So if you want to clear the air: If the talk goes well, fantastic, you figured out how to act around each other in the future.

    This is an excellent answer. In addition to just making valid points, you actually propose solutions with different outcomes in mind. I will probably try this approach soon. If nothing, at least I will know I was the person to go out of my way and try to make things work. Here are some hard facts: You may want to know how this eventually played out. As much as I didn't like it at first, you were right. I couldn't stay near these people. I cut ties with all of them except one, with whom I occasionally meet, but don't talk about the rest. As you said, I moved, got a new job and focused on my hobby.

    I am getting better for myself. Often the best advice is the one you don't ask for and like the least. The times I found myself in your position, there was usually the instinct to think and sometimes say: How could they do that to ME?


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    • With all of that out of the way, your question was: In my opinion this demonstrates a complete lack of self respect. Keeping someone who betrays your trust so completely around, and acting like it's a sign of maturity is simply self-delusion. These people supposedly cared for the OP, yet completely disregarded his feelings, and turned his life upside down. He should not be sustaining a relationship with such individuals.

      I don't think it's healthy to inflict daily punishment upon oneself in the form of being around these folks. Allow yourself the time to be upset and grieve. But know that those social weirdnesses all smooth out eventually, one way or another. There was a seam in the sofa that had been wearing away for years, pieces of stuffing frequently coming loose.

      What To Do When Your Friend Starts Dating Your Ex

      She reached down to pull some of the stuffing out and dried my tears with it. She destroyed a sofa in order to wipe my tears. It was the first thing I laughed at post-breakup because it was so weird and touching. But it reminded me that being around people who make you feel good speeds the healing process. Plus, maybe one day you and your friend will find a way to connect again. Time ended up healing this gaping wound: Here's how to deal. From Our Readers July 16, Talk it out No matter what, you need to try and have a discussion with your friend.

      Keep your distance Whether you decide to stay connected to your friend or cut them loose, distance is the only thing that will help make you feel better.

      Thanks Betch

      Be as upset as you want to be Chances are, things are going to get awkward with your mutual friends. She enjoys graphic design, playing music, and baking. She is currently living in Ventura with her boyfriend and their 27 dying plants. You can find her on Instagram buckery. Giggles in your Inbox Subscribe to our daily newsletter and get the latest updates on fashion, beauty, style, and more.