Dating a man out of my league

I recently read this quote from the philosopher and writer Alan Watts, and it seems particularly important for you to hear: She is universal by virtue of the inseparability of her organism from the cosmos. She is unique in that she is just this organism, and not any stereotype of role, class or identity assumed for the convenience of social communication. I have a hunch that you are confusing yourself, and your partner, with labels and stereotypes. Try being universal and unique, just like you are. My faith in the therapeutic process is founded in the belief that we each have the ability to access more of what can provide comfort and clarity in our lives.

Intention, curiosity and a devotion to a greater happiness are the basic tools needed to kindle profound change. With a non-judgmental and alert presence, the vague often becomes lucid, and confusion can give way to acceptance and understanding—with ourselves and towards others. What is the relationship of form to function in our lives, and how can we manifest a more purposeful design? It is my most sincere hope that I can aid in supporting a natural awareness that is the key to living a fulfilled expression of our own authenticity, integrity and joy.

I specialize in life transitions, relationships, loss, identity, sexuality, creativity, fear, anxiety, spirituality and existential isolation. My work is with couples and individuals, with the collaborative goal of helping you find more effective ways to be happy, and tapping your existing resources to weather the ever-shifting currents of life. Learn Why Men Pull Away. There is a deep-seated "Gap" in communication that very few women or men understand. A super sociable guy won't want to date a weird, loner girl who only had a handful of close friends like yourself.

How can you tell if he has a huge group of amazing friends? Check his social media, of course. If he has thousands of followers on Insta, he simply must have a huge group of cool friends. Your followers simply does not stack up to his following. Who we are on social media is who we are in life and it looks like it's time for you to get a few more friends on social media and in life. No matter where you go with this guy, he knows someone there and it is amazing. You should know the bouncers and bartenders everywhere too. If you want to date someone who has hook ups, you need to know everyone everywhere too.

Regardless of if he has hook ups or not, him going out every night is another sign that he is out of your league. First of all, having the time and expendable income to go out so often is a sign that he really has his life together. He clearly wants someone who has the time and money to party on the town with him. Sit in and watch another show on Netflix because you're boring and lame. If he is the really funny type, he may be out of your league.

Sure, he may make you laugh on the regular but are you able to make him laugh too? If he has that witty, charismatic personality that simply draws people to him, you should step aside unless you can bring the same sense of humor to the table. If you do not find yourself to be as funny as him, he is out of your league. Let another girl who is funny and charming enough for him take over. You do not deserve all the laughter he brings into your life if you are unable to give it right back.

Ignore everything and anything said in this article. No guy is ever, ever out of your league and you should never, ever feel that way. In fact, if a dude makes you feel insecure for whatever reason, he has got to go because you are a goddess and he should make you feel that way every damn day. But, what even are leagues? Let's all stop worrying about leagues and Richter scales and other stupid ways we subject each other to being measured to some invisible standard.

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However, our partners, including ad partners, may collect data in relation to your Website usage as disclosed herein. All data collected through our Website is stored on servers located in the United States. He was ten years older, but he was very polite and we seemed to have common intellectual interests, so I agreed to go out with him. Our first date was dinner at an expensive restaurant. He's very conventionally attractive and has a prestigious job and seems very self-assured, but frankly I wasn't sure we were a match. I'm kind of a shy, mousy person and I felt like his personality might be too strong for mine.

After I turned down a third date, he seemed disappointed and immediately sent me a gift it was an Amazon e-book that he thought I might enjoy. He requested that we stay in touch as friends and keep going to things together and "maybe you'll change your mind. To my surprise, I ended up really liking him on our third date! I saw a more playful side of him, and I stopped being sort of creeped out by his intense interest in me.

Incidentally, he took his dating profile offline at some point after our first or second date. We haven't discussed this at all, but I noticed when I decided to go on a third date with him that his profile was gone! Mine is still up, but I stopped logging into the site after our third date. My friend checked for me recently--and his profile is still offline. We have now been dating for two months, and he is pursuing me VERY heavily, but I am racked with all these doubts about us.

I don't really understand why he is so interested in me. He's very smart, very handsome, in perfect shape, has a great career, has tons more money than I do We haven't even done more than a quick kiss here or there in public! We haven't been to each other's apartments. What is he getting out of this? Frankly, I'm concerned that he might just be into me because I dumped him after two dates - but he actually started pursuing me pretty heavily since BEFORE we met.

Taking someone out to dinner on a first online date is a bit much. It's almost like he made up his mind about us before he even met me.

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He contacts me every single day, asks me all these in-depth questions about my family and my childhood and my dreams for the future, buys me presents for no reason, even bought me a year-long membership to something My main concerns are: Does he really enjoy the "teaching and caretaking" role, or will he inevitably lose respect for me? What do I bring to the table, besides my relative youth?

This doesn't really seem sustainable. Physically, we haven't done more than a quick peck on a street corner. Will his interest dwindle away after he's "gotten" me? He lived with his previous girlfriend so I know he's not waiting for marriage Why is he so enamored with me when he's smarter, has more money, is objectively better than I am at all sports and lots of practical matters, etc.? Because these things do not determine what he likes about people. Ew, this question is throwing up all kinds of red flags for me with regard to him not respecting your boundaries and trying way WAY too hard to insinuate himself into your life.

There's way more going on here than who is in who's league. If you're this uncomfortable now, I say trust your gut and move on. The objective facts say that he's crazy about you, and this is how he shows it. If anything, he seems to think he's not good enough for you , and tries to make up for it with lots of presents and affection. First and foremost, I see a heavy dose of you not giving yourself enough credit. There are also some other, more cynical possibilities here that I'm sure other people will bring up.

He sounds sweet and interested. Why end things before they've begun? If you keep dating him and realize that he creeps you out more than intrigues you, end things then. But so far he sounds like a man who is serious about finding a relationship and interested in you. It's not fun to date with low self-esteem-- you end up with guys like your ex, who seem "safe" because you feel smarter and more mature than them. It's safer to be the catch and know it than to feel like you could lose the one you love. It's common for women who underestimate their attractiveness and charm to date down and become a mother figure in their relationships.

But try taking a risk on love, if you really like this guy! It sounds like you could be equals.

Have You Ever Felt "Not Good Enough?" - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy

There is definitely the possibility that he's a creep-- if he squicks you out, you have no obligation to keep dating him and you should protect yourself. But it's definitely possible from what you've written that he just likes you and wants to share things with you an ebook is actually a rather thoughtful gift, not as tacky as showering a woman with gold bracelets so she won't lose interest or something.

I would suggest you really look at the rules for how relationships progress that you have created in your head. He could be a really decent kind man who enjoys your company but your low self esteem is going to get in the way of being able to accept and enjoy this kind of attention. Because he perceives you as having low self-esteem, which makes you easy to dominate, exploit, and abuse, which is what he's going to do if you fall for his bullshit. Respect yourself more and move on. I think if it feels weird, it's weird.

You're allowed to break up with this guy if things don't feel right.

Stop Saying He (Or She) Is Out Of Your League

If the only problem you're worried about is what will happen if the other shoe drops, I think you can rest in the knowledge that it will, and just wait for that to happen. Life experience tells me he will completely go fickle of you once you return his passion for you - he just likes the challenge you are presenting. The romantic in me says this might be the real deal.

I don't think there is any way to tell. Do you like him? Do you feel a spark? I imagine this is difficult if you are holding back emotionally. I'm also pretty sure you are not giving yourself enough credit, that's certain. I guess you're just going to have to wait it out, or hire a private detective or something. I have no idea. Anyway, if you like him, date him.

If you do not like him, stop dating him and don't accept anymore gifts. The gifts make me leary. He could be mentally ill or something. Or maybe just a really great guy ready to settle down! What do you think is going on? How we relate to other people isn't a 1: You clearly have qualities that he values and he clearly finds you interesting. You sound very negative about yourself, which is too bad. I would feel completely smothered and it would ring personal alarm bells for my level of comfort in a partnership. If your brain is telling you there's something wrong with the situation, listen to it.

Focus on the qualities he has that would make him a good match for you. A lot of times in early dating, folks fret over what the other person thinks about them, to the exclusion of even feeling out the relationship to see if it's a good fit. Don't lose sight of that. A couple of possibilities here: Dude really likes you. Do you really like him too, for more than his descriptors? And beyond being interested in you, is he respectful of you and attentive to your boundaries? If you like him for himself and he is respectful, I'd suggest talking to him about your concerns about how intensely focused on you he seems to be.

My husband fell for me right away. I really lacked faith in my own judgment at that point and it all felt too fast to me. But I was able to talk to him about that. The ability to safely and trustfully talk to a partner is a real indicator that what is happening is for real. I just noticed this "but then two weeks later I changed my mind and cautiously went on a third date with him". Did he give you that two weeks without bugging you? Or was there a continual bombardment until you gave in?

If the former, great! If the latter, alarm! Him pursuing you after you dumped him Your youth is quite attractive, by the way, especially if he wants kids, but The big red flag for me here is that you don't seem to feel in control. Because if you're not comfortable it's your job to communicate that, and it's his job to respect your boundaries.

So if you haven't tried asking him to lay off a bit, maybe you should. If he disregards your stated preferences again, well, you know that he's not a good choice for a long-term egalitarian relationship. On a more personal note, I feel like men who shower women with gifts early on are sort of I don't know what it is, but it turns me off. I want to be in a relationship of equals, not a relationship where I'm always the recipient and feeling like I'm being put in a stereotypically submissive feminine role.

That might be your issue, too. I suspect you are not giving yourself enough credit. However, that does not mean this is the guy for you. For what it's worth, here are the red flags I see: Pushing your boundaries by taking advantage of the norms of reciprocity. Charities apply the same technique when they mail you "free" address labels. It may be that he's less in love with the real you and more in love with the version of you he expects you to be. This is dangerous because in the future, he will hold you to his version of you.

It also may be that he's more interested in the version of you in his brain than in getting to know the real you. And potentially ignoring your boundaries and preferences in the process. Does he have positive relationships with the women in his life, including exes? Does he ever talk to you about how you're "not like that bitch! If so, run now. Will he eventually stop showering me with gifts and daily attention? That's going to happen. I can't answer any of your other questions, but you seem really down on yourself. You might be right in thinking that the initial rejection was what attracted him or that he'll quickly lose interest at some point both are things that really happen sometimes , but you don't seem to accept even the possibility that he could just find you really attractive.

Whatever you do with him lots of thoughts on that above , I think you should work on that. I cannot answer your questions. But I have some homework for you that will help you answer them. First, Ask him some questions. Where are his exes now? Find out about his female friends and colleagues. Does he buy these types of gifts for men, ever? A close college buddy? If yes it's less red flaggy. Second, read some books. The Five Love Languages , because this could be as simple as you not really being into gifts or words of affirmation and that's why this is weird for you.

But it could be actually creepy. Either way, it's good to know about your own love language and helpful to be able to identify them in others. Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection , which I hope will give you some space to accept all of your beautiful quirks. This will help you lay the groundwork for future relationships. And since I suggest this video all the time, Sliding Vs. Deciding , which is an hour long lecture about the importance of making choices rather than just falling into relationships.

This guy might be trying to slide you into a relationship. Either way, it's good to be wary of sliding, and to focus on commitment to things that are important to you, both inside and outside of romance. You know who can answer your questions? I think his ego is bruised and he wants to get back together so he can be the one to dump you this time. He's clearly not respectful of boundaries. Dude's not as good as he seems. Maybe he's not that into ranking people by which "league" they are in and whether they are "worthy" of various other people. Find out if you like him.

I think you should ask him. But I also think you should meet his friends and get a feel for what kind of person he is from them. As an aside, my partner fell in love with me way before I fell in love with him. But I decided to just explore what might happen if we kept dating because he seemed sane, smart and sexy and so why not?

He turned out to be the real deal. But as MeFites know, there are many abusers out there as well as folks who are simply poor matches. He may, in fact, just have a different love language than you. You may, in fact, be far more awesome than you give yourself credit for.

It may be that you are an especially good match for him. But that doesn't mean he's necessarily a good match for you.


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How can you find out? And talk to him. And to his friends. If he has no friends or family, that's a really good reason to break up now. Because that is a huge red flag. But if your main problem is that he's treating you too well, keep seeing him and see how things shake out. I agree with others that you're not giving yourself enough credit here. Keep a lookout for the standard red flags. The gifts and year-long membership are a little concerning, but not scary red flags in themselves. Is he from a different cultural background than you, where giving gifts happens more casually?

As for why he's interested in you so keenly, it could be a game for him OR it could be legitimate and something you'd never guess on your own--you remind him of someone great that he knew in the past, your interest in [whatever thing] perfectly dovetails with something in his life, that kind of thing. Or he might not be giving himself enough credit, and looks up to you the same way you look up to him. You just never know. But if you enjoy spending time with him and feel like yourself and feel like he's getting to know you for real, and vice-versa, it seems like not a bad thing at all.

Before it happened, I didn't know people could be like that. They guy who did it was close to your guy's profile - older, attractive, successful. He'd never been married, but had at least one serious ex girlfriend. He didn't shower me with gifts, though, so at least that was different. Don't know if that info helps you. But there ya go. These are red flags to me, personally. It's too much, too intense, too fast, too seemingly-intentionally-overwhelming.

Take a look into lovebombing and see if it rings any bells -- or at least gives you more to keep an eye out for. Set some boundaries e. This has nothing to do with whether you're totally desirable as you are or any accounting of "leagues," by the way. If he really is simply smitten with you and why not! He will be delighted that you tell him how.

15 Signs He's Out Of Your League | TheTalko

Anything else is worth keeping your spidey-sense tuned to. I think you have great instincts, and I'm glad you're having fun. I'm concerned that you're the female version of the stereotypical "bad boy" that many a woman love to date You might simply represent an extraordinary challenge for him. That doesn't necessarily mean you are sport to him, but I would be concerned.

Does this guy ever - EVER - give you reason to believe he agrees with your assessment of the situation? Because even a whiff of him agreeing that he's in the superior position here or is somehow being "generous" in seeing you wouldn't just be a red flag for me, it would need to be the end of the game. Even if he doesn't seem to share your view, I strongly agree with the people saying that you need to work on reassessing this situation in your head - he may be in a different place than you in life but there really is no such thing as a "league," and you guys are perfectly capable of being equals who bring different but equally valid things to the table.

Beyond that, I think you might want to shift your focus to different questions than the ones you've laid out here - less about "why is he doing what he's doing and what's he going to do next?

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The fact that you're inexperienced at dating makes this seem like a situation to be particularly cautious of. At the very least - if you feel like you could be interested in him and want to see how things go - I would suggest you figure out what you are and aren't comfortable with and then communicate that to him. If he respects your boundaries, great; if not, you'll know you're with someone who isn't so great to be with, after all.

Being "out of your league" is not the issue here. If anything, he seems to have put you on a bit of a pedestal, and might well think you're out of his league. But what I see in your post is that he was coming on very, very strong, which made you uncomfortable, at least at first. And I think you should listen to your gut, and ask yourself, does the intensity of his courtship still make you uncomfortable? If the answer is yes, and you still want to see him, it is totally okay to ask him to dial it down a little. Something like the following is a totally reasonable request: Could you maybe stop buying me things for now?

The way he replies I think is also an indication of his intentions and character; if he tries to argue back, or make you feel bad for making the request, that's a giant red flag. I had something like this, where I almost missed out on my wife's romantic pursuit of me because I always thought she was "out of my league," and thus thought she was just a really good friend.

In hindsight, man, what a dumbass thing--we're matched pretty evenly in every way. Especially now that we've spent a decade growing together. Part of your feeling unmatched with him might be the age difference--where he's at in life, career, etc. Look at it this way: Would year-old him be out of your league? As to looks, you don't say that you're mortifyingly hideous, so who's to say you're not darned good looking? This guy sure seems to think so Forget about athletic abilities and stuff like that--it's normal not to try to marry a hiking or dive buddy or squash partner if he already has those.

Watch out if he tries too hard to make you into those things