Just collect your thoughts and be straightforward. The sooner you clarify the situation, the sooner he can move on. If your main concern is how to turn down a date without hurting his feelings, an option of lying becomes more tempting. However, coming up with a non-existent boyfriend or husband is not a good idea, especially if the rejected man ever finds the truth. If you want to avoid a date in the most painless way, compliment your admirer. This will cushion your further words and save him from vain hopes.
Questions & Answers
Be and sound sincere. If you say you are very busy now, it means you are hinting that you are ready to meet later. This is another way to make a man expect something bigger. Many men swallow this bait and become friends with a woman they like hoping to bring their relationships to a romantic dimension one day. Some men need feedback when it comes to dating. If you rejected him and he asks for the explanation, you have the right to ignore his request.
You are trying to be nice while declining his offer to go out and your subconsciousness makes your mouth smile. Remember that your smiling face can mean to him that you are flirting.
Dating, Sex, and How to Say NO
Otherwise, he may think he still has a chance and needs to put more effort. Having a first date with a person is like testing the waters.
- How to Refuse a Date Gracefully: 12 Steps (with Pictures).
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Although dating counselors always advise to have a second date to double check your feelings, sometimes it becomes clear from the very first minutes of the date number one that you are with the wrong person and this date will be the last. There are two possible ways how to say no to a date. You can say it face to face in the end of your first date or you can agree to meet again and then text or call him next day to say the truth. Choose the tactics according to your level of boldness. Rejection via text is more convenient for you and less painful for him not sure about it, though.
Right on the following day, write him a thanks-but-no-thanks email or message expressing your gratitude for the time spent together, complimenting him on how interesting and attractive he is, and finally admitting that there was no chemistry. Mention his virtues and wish him to find the right girl. One of the possible ways how to decline a date is to say that he is not your type but you have a friend and you think he is going to like her. This is how you can sweeten the bitter pill of rejection and set up a date for two good people.
The worst thing you can do is to switch on the ghosting mode. Unless he was a maniac and this is the only way to hide from him. If you pondering over the polite ways how to say no to a date, then you must be interested in how men would like to be rejected. Here are our findings. When a woman begins her rejection speech, she tries to smooth the sharp angles and carefully picks up the right words.
A classical gentle line.
Dating, Sex, and How to Say NO - The Good Men Project
Many women have gone through a similar situation, and they made up their own excuses. They wanted to be polite just like you. I don't see how dating is any different - not asking me out again doesn't hurt my feelings. Telling me you would never want to date me would hurt my feelings very much. It blew, but so much better than wondering WTF? I hate the no-response treatment. And I also think that dating people is different from other sorts of casual acquaintances, as the people I am acquainted with in a group situation have a significantly different context than that of dating someone, which generally has the goal of either getting into a relationship or not.
I also tend not to make specific plans with casual acquaintances, but just see them at random things that I am also attending. Since you're both regulars at the coffee shop, I bet you're going to see her again unless you change your habits. So let her know. Ignoring the emails of someone you see around somewhat frequently is. While I think a lot of people just cease contact and expect people to take the hint, I think it is much nicer to send a brief but kind email like the ones described above.
Mostly because you never know how interested someone might be in you, and wondering what happened is maddening when you really like someone. While I would understand if someone disappeared, I would always think well of someone who took a minute to let me know what was up and didn't leave me hanging. Cutting people off and not responding is really rude. It's become so commonplace that I stopped getting upset about it when it happened to me, but I always really appreciated guys who told me nicely that it wasn't working for them, and I emailed them back to say thanks for letting me know and to wish them well.
It's always best to keep the number of people who think you are an asshole as small as possible, even if you think you'll never see them again. It's a finite world. That woman you ignored and avoided may become your next door neighbour, best friend's wife, mortgage officer, or boss some day.
As you can tell from the spectrum of responses not responding vs respond kindly , there is no one way to go about doing it.
This is because we are all very different people, and we all have different preferences. Personally, I would prefer no contact. It's gentle, it lets me down kindly, and it gets the message across.
If a guy that I had fun on a date with were to send me an email saying "Thanks but no thanks," or "It was fun, but I don't think we're a great match," I'll probably overthink and overanalyze every word, every punctuation, and even the time and date of the email. But that's just me. On the other hand, other people would prefer these types of emails. So, no right or wrong answer here. So my initial advice is that you should think about what type of girl she seems to be and go with your gut.
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However, this advice only applies if she hasn't texted you or called you or emailed you Dude, you need to reply to her because she deserves a response after sticking her neck out there and basically telling you that she likes your company. You don't HAVE to give her an explanation and you can just fade out, but it'd be so much better if you emailed back or even called her and said "hey look, you're a cool girl and I had a good time when we hung out, but we didn't seem to click so I just wanted to say this instead of fading out and leaving you wondering.
If you fade out she'll have a week or two of "oh well maybe he's been busy, or lost his cell phone, let me call him again" and this waiting and wondering SUCKS. Another voice exhorting you to let her know gently but directly, as mentioned several times above. KateHasQuestions is totally right: Further dates are a waste of your time, right? Naturally you want to avoid that. Keeping her wondering and waiting until she "figures it out" on her own is you wasting her time. Don't initiate a rejection. Just respond the next time she contacts you, using one of the many suggested kind forms above.
Count me in the camp of people who would prefer "radio silence" from someone if it's 3 or fewer dates. Then again, if I'm interested in someone I tend to be fairly explicit about that, and tell them in an un-pressured manner to let me know if they would like to see me again. Then again, I am still single, so perhaps this is not the best way to go about securing future dates.
Not that I think you'll do this, anonymous, but definitely don't offer to be friends unless you really want to be. In this case, you don't enjoy the woman's company, so you wouldn't suggest the friend route. This thread brought back memories of an anecdote I read in the token "guy column" in a woman's magazine many years ago, back when I actually enjoyed the occasional woman's mag. The guy wrote that one of his friends had abruptly cut off a woman after five dates — just didn't return her calls.
She sent him the plush bunny he'd bought her at fair they'd gone to His friends called it "Bunny Van Gogh". I find that woman's course of action dysfunctional, of course if hilariously so , but the guy really had been a dick to treat her like that. It's smart strategy to never give someone you've dated any reason to be that angry or hurt. Even if the person is too much of an adult to let you know or to demonstrate it by mutilating toys, just play nice. It costs you nothing and it might mean more than you realize to the person. He's been on two dates with her. Personally, if a girl didn't like me after two dates, I'd rather not hear back from her.
The "I just want to be friends" bit is ridiculous and tiresome, as is the "I'm so busy" routine. Then again, it sounds like the women in this thread would rather you write the email, so I'd just go with that.
How to Say No to a Date: Politely Refusing a Guy or a Girl's Proposal
Maybe women are more sensitive about this sort of thing? Send the e-mail but don't say, "I don't see this as any more than friends. It is kind but says everything you're wanting to say. Also, I'd like to not date Ortho, if just for a free dinner. Nthing the advice to email her back and let her know what's up. She clearly thinks things are going decently; if you fade off the face of the planet, she's left with at least a week or so, probably more, of having this on her mind as unfinished business.
Some girls might shrug it off, but for those of us who tend to over think things, it means wondering and considering possibilities and waiting and talking it over with friends, and ultimately being left dissatisfied. Did you do something to turn him off? Is he just busy, and this is how he does things? Are you going to run into him at your mutual coffee shop in a few weeks and have an awkward encounter or will he act like nothing happened? And then there's the crappy feeling when you realize after the fact, after you've made contact that he's ignored, that you were pursuing a guy who was not interested.
No one needs that embarrassment. Ending things cleanly, even when there's not much to end, is almost always a good call in my opinion. Yes, to show her she's not "wrong", to not be ambiguous, to let her ask any questions she might have or at least have a good dinner to soften the blow. It's cruel to leave people twisting in the wind, especially if it's just because you and they are going in different directions.
It's like the dating world exists in some realm where the rules of basic etiquette do not apply. I once read some advice here along the lines of this: So the best rule of thumb is to be honest, communicative, and tactful. I think you already know the right thing to do and frankly, most of the time when people fade out because they "think the other person would prefer it," they're really just trying to avoid the confrontation.
There's an amusing scene from Six Feet Under, where Rico the mortician, very inexperienced in dating and recently separated from his childhood-sweetheart wife, is seeing a girl who for no reason apparent to him, suddenly becomes uncontactable. Increasingly concerned he is a person whose daily life is filled with death and its consequences , he keeps looking for her and eventually shows up at her apartment block and convinces the superintendent to let him in, in case she's died of a drug overdose or choking alone or something.
Every couple of days Rico meets the relatives of people that something like that has happened to, of course it affects his thinking. She is fine, she's washing dishes in her sink or something, and she's annoyed and he is embarrassed that he didn't "get the hint" of her not returning his calls. Not returning calls isn't a "hint". It's the absence of a hint, and it's open to any interpretation that the non-recipient of the non-returned calls cares to put on it, including that you have died alone in your apartment and are currently being eaten by your cat.
While you should never do it to them, on the other hand, don't take it that personally when they do it to you. You have a lot to offer; don't waste your time and effort pursuing people who don't have the simple grace or self-confidence or non-apathy to even return a phone call. You should be seeing people who actually want to see you , to the point where they will go to some albeit slight effort to make that happen. I always felt like going on a couple of dates with someone made them a person I'd been on a couple of dates with to see if we'd have a good time and possibly keep on dating.
I think after a few dates both people should have a decent idea of whether they feel like calling it quits or making it a little more serious, or even just maintaining the status quo. In my opinion, just ignoring someone to make them go away -- no matter who they are or what the situation -- may seem like the best solution for them, but I think it's actually just the best solution for the person doing the ignoring.
It's essentially passive-aggressive and expresses a certain amount of cowardice. I mean, let's face it, either way they're going to figure out that you aren't interested any more, but if you just ignore them, you don't have to be around when it happens. Man or woman up and be pleasant, truthful and straightforward, so that they can get over it which may take weeks or no time at all or somewhere in between and move on with complete certainty about where you stand.
I mean, you liked this person enough to have a second date -- surely they deserve that tiny little basic building block of decency? I've been on a fair few dates recently, and have had a fair few rejections. I have to weigh in on the side of "You are cool but I just don't feel that we work" direct answer.
Yeah it sucks and it stings but it is done with, right there.
I am taking this thread to heart in what I need to do when someone doesn't fit what I am looking for either. Thanks dude, figured that out about 13 days ago. Added an extra sting to something I hadn't been that bothered about. As a mental exercise Aside from continuing to date her magic rules won't allow! Framing the idea that way may make it easier to imagine the better way to handle it. Personally, I'd go white-lie route, and say something along the lines of the timing sucks, but I've started seeing someone I used to date, blah blah or something equally geared to leading the person away from worries like "Was it my breath?
Did I talk too much? Was I just boring?