Learn to laugh over the inevitable miscommunications and misunderstandings. Laughter relieves tension and brings you closer together. ADHD symptoms can interfere with communication. The following tips can help you have more satisfying conversations with your partner and other people. Communicate face to face whenever possible. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact, tone of voice, and gestures communicate much more than words alone. To understand the emotion behind the words, you need to communicate with your partner in person, rather than via phone, text, or email.
While the other person is talking, make an effort to maintain eye contact. If you find your mind wandering, mentally repeat their words so you follow the conversation.
6 Dating Mistakes ADHD Adults Make | Living an ADD Life
Make an effort to avoid interrupting. Instead of launching into whatever is on your mind—or the many things on your mind—ask the other person a question. If your attention wanders, tell the other person as soon as you realize it and ask them to repeat what was just said. If you let the conversation go too long when your mind is elsewhere, it will only get tougher to re-connect. As well as helping to lower impulsivity and improve focus, regular mindfulness meditation can offer you greater control over your emotions and prevent the emotional outbursts that can be so damaging to a relationship.
The key is to learn to work together as a team. A healthy relationship involves give and take, with both individuals participating fully in the partnership and looking for ways to support each other. It should feel like an equal exchange. For example, if neither of you are good with money, you could hire a bookkeeper or research money management apps that make budgeting easier. Divide tasks and stick to them.
The non-ADHD partner may be more suited to handling the bills and doing the errands, while you manage the children and cooking.
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Evaluate the division of labor. Make a list of chores and responsibilities and rebalance the workload if either one of you is shouldering the bulk of the load. Delegate, outsource, and automate. If you have children, assign them chores. You might also consider hiring a cleaning service, signing up for grocery delivery, or setting up automatic bill payments.
Split up individual tasks, if necessary. This is an area where the non-ADHD partner can provide invaluable assistance. They can help you set up a system and routine you can rely on to help you stay on top of your responsibilities. Start by analyzing the most frequent things you fight about, such as chores or chronic lateness.
Then think about practical things you can do to solve them. For chronic lateness, you might set up a calendar on your smartphone, complete with timers to remind you of upcoming events. Your partner will benefit from the added structure. Schedule in the things you both need to accomplish and consider set times for meals, exercise, and sleep. Set up external reminders. This can be in the form of a dry erase board, sticky notes, or a to-do list on your phone. People with ADHD have a hard time getting and staying organized, but clutter adds to the feeling that their lives are out of control.
Help your partner set up a system for dealing with clutter and staying organized. Ask the ADHD partner to repeat requests. To avoid misunderstandings, have your partner repeat what you have agreed upon. If there is one thing that characterized every relationship I have ever been it, it is this. New love is incredibly interesting and produces a ton of dopamine and oxytocin. Unfortunately, this often means we go so fast that we end up making Mistake 2. I used to think I was just color-blind when it came to red-flags because I never saw them until it was too late for them to be useful.
This is a step we often miss and when we do, we may find ourselves laying on the ground, with a banged up heart, wondering what the hell just happened. One of the hallmarks of my past relationships was that I never noticed all those red flags on the road to rock bottom… but once I got there, they were all I could see. This is an example of what can happen when we hyperfocus on the relationship in the early stages and put all our efforts towards making it work.
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Eventually, our attention shifts to other things which causes very real changes in the relationship. So, having a brain full of dopamine is pretty great and being in a new relationship is also pretty great and when you combine them it is very easy to want to make those great things happen ALL THE TIME! You may not realize until the moment you need them the most that you lost them along the way.
In my life, magic land is the place where all magical thinking, like that I am someday going to win the lottery, happens. We ADHDers are really great at creating this kinds of places and we really like to spend a lot of time there. But when your head is in the clouds, it is difficult to stay grounded.
But the very last thing you need when you have a brain bursting with dopamine and overrun with oxytocin is your feet leave the ground. We create this perfect version of who we are with this person. We create this perfect version of who the two of us are together. Magic land lays the foundation for the worst of these mistakes to have the harshest and most long-lasting repercussions. My DW is now home and furious because the house is a mess, the bathroom is not finished, the dogs are inside going crazy, I have not gone to the grocery store I was not asked BTW , but Sunday is usually grocery day, she was furious about the situation.
I used to Prediagnosis just go into shut-down mode during a rant like this. Could I have done better or been more efficient, sure Did I bite off more than I could chew, sure It was NOT my finest day with Adderall clarity. To make matters worse, if that's possible, it's 8pm and my meds are long gone and I'm exhausted from the juggling act. The only other thing that was noticed was I painted a box that was going in my car and my car was washed.
What if all I loved about him was the hyperfocus?
Total time used for these "Selfish Acts" 1 hour Not an ADD hour either, a real hour. Thanks for your post! I can relate to this SO much! The only thing I do differently now is I try to think through what my logic says and what I think her logic would be as well.
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Regardless my goal is not to create a cluster F and some times I just don't get everything I planned done. I've tried the "why don't you ask her input" approach as well and usually get some kind of smart ass answer about how obvious the right choice is. Some times I know she is slammed and I figure it out on my own. The majority of the time it comes down to I don't need a babysitter I am a grown man and am doing my best to get things done.
As you stated both were priorities it does make sense to do the "outside" work first while there is daylight and in my opinion the higher priority over the bathroom given what you described the fence. I'd be ok with an ass chewing if I forgoed all work to sit on my but and do nothing or hang out with the buddies. What sucks is the bathroom probably started out as something you did "for her" because it something she would enjoy. I also get that some times there are just rough days and she might have realized she over-reacted, comes back later or the next morning and apologizes.
I in turn would be apologetic that the bathroom is delayed and that the fence became a higher priority. Regardless even in these circumstances in my experience this just adds to the pool of "ADD" circumstances she will resent. What I find even more frustrating is that I've seen her over commit plan poorly it impacts the family and I don't treat her the same way.
If I have capacity or can drop a lower priority I'll ask how I can help push through it. I realize that regardless of the mistake which was not intentional it needs to be done. I know that by helping her it will assist her in getting passed it emotionally faster as well. I do pretty well asking for her input on what are priorities to her.
Some of my worst anxieties come out when I'm at home without her all day because I worry about what I do get done while she is away working or if she is out of town. And just like when you say "What I find even more frustrating is that I've seen her over commit plan poorly it impacts the family and I don't treat her the same way.
I know she is SO hard on herself and has expectations of herself that are almost impossible to acheive. The problem is the anxieties she creates for herself get thrown on me. You are also right that after a huge fight the other night she appologized and said how much stress she had been under and I know how much stress she is under, a lot due to her high expectations to herself.
I surely do try to understand what I can do to help ease her worries over what she feels is the highest priority, and most of the time I can get these things done, but my example off day was NOT from a lack of trying. I was not going to take a verbal beating for busting my hump all weekend and I did not let her get this verbal lashing off the way she wanted. It was so irrationally based that I knew it would not be productive in any way. She just wanted to tell me the things I should have done and point out all the things she would have done differently, so I told her I was done with this conversation, she kept on, so I told her to go away leave the room and I was not doing ANYTHING else.
Buddy, I don't blame you for not taking the verbal lashing She probably will eventually start thinking about what she is saying and why she is angry before reacting so strongly, so quickly. The only advice I can give you is to just not let it make you mad.
You had a right to be upset, you knew in your heart that you worked diligently at getting things done, so instead of being pissed just tell her "look, I realize that everything that YOU wanted done or feel should have been done wasn't done, but I have worked hard all day long and refuse to fight with you and listen to you be angry with me over something that simply isn't fair and isn't true.
You didn't do things her way, in her time, the way she felt you should have.
That's a fair feeling for her to have, it is OK if she would have done things differently I know you know all of this, and, as I said, I think you can learn a lot from situations like this. Also, you might try 'updating' her throughout the day with a casual text saying "I am going to start working on the fence now What do you think? Bottom line, if the fence felt like a priority, and from the sounds of it, it was You ARE a grown man and you do not have to take a verbal lashing from anyone just because your 'priority' isn't hers I am glad she apologized, and I am glad you guys smoothed things over quickly.
If I ask my DD to do something, she inevitably does it the 'hard' way or the 'long' way and it drives me nuts but I have made a very conscious effort to just let her do it 'her way' unless it is really wasteful or something along those lines. I will ask her to clean her room and I go in there an hour later and she is sorting through her drawers of jewelry I remind her constantly not to leave her dishes on the table I finally relented Thursday I sat there until the place was deserted Finally called her cell phone..
To boil water she uses 3 pots, 2 cookie sheets, 7 spoons, and 3 bowls. Not literally, but it seems that way. I have asked her times to dry things off plastic before putting it away when she unloads the dishwasher. I have told her that it can cause bacteria to form and it can attract bugs. This fall has been a "Stress-Fest" in our household. I like to do my share, but months of pretty much zero fun time has lead to this. All the anxieties drove my DW to this event. I saw this convo coming from a mile away I did text through out the day and most of the day the timing was just "Off" I think I fell victim to the Adderall confidence and was too confident in what I could get done.
Too many unknowns got in the way and I would gladly admit I did not do that well, but to slam me with anger was the wrong way to approach my work output. Part of this has exactly to do with what you are describing in your DD. She could be factoring in SO many things into how she approaches a task. Going through drawers is perfect! The drawers are a complete mess and the drawers are in the room so logically she started there. I've done this a million times and it is SO hard to ignore the drawers and stick to the Item that will give me "Credit" for the job.
If I shove everything in my room that is accountable for the messy room into my closet the room is clean, but the Job is not done. Sometimes I will do something that at first glance may seem odd to most people, but I could have hashed through things that lead to the choice, but I just don't have the energy to explain AND it will sound like the ADDer is rambling on and I'll see the frustration I didn't see before mounting and its just not worth the energy unless it is a Mega Important choice, of course, then they will have to endure the full explaination because they don't understand the Big Picture: It is hard to watch my DD 2 struggle, but If I see the gears turning I want her to finish the process because she feels so proud figuring it out.
If I see she is totally stumped I try to explain how I felt at her age with one of these problems and nudge her in the right direction. She usually sees my "Twisted Logic" in the end. I still have to work through my own big projects, like the shower, and if I want help from someone I WILL ask, but I get a bit mad when I get questioned by someone who knows Less about how I should proceed. I faced a good deal of this in the shower, but I worked through it and I finished the job.
The problem is you are judged by the Perception of did I "Do or Not Do", which is not fair for anyone. I am the non-ADHD wife. I just want to let you know that getting to that point, where I realized "hey, I am beating him up pretty badly for things he would never beat me up over" was a LOOOONG time coming Once he finally returned it, they credited our account I was furious and remember raising 20 kind of hell over it.
Fast Fwd a few years later, I did the exact same thing He said "that'll happen" when I told him they'd charged us for it. I am sure there are many examples of things he has done that I have raked him over the coals about that he would never dream of treating me so poorly if I did the same thing, and for that I really am ashamed. We do the best we can at the time and until we 'see' better, we don't do better. He has never helped unless it is something that is urgent and has to be done. I only joined the forum yesterday. I read your post and sent it to my ADD partner asking him 'Is this you?
When I sent him the post, he replied saying 'Yes!!!! In bed that night, he said he felt it was a good time to talk about things, but only for 10 minutes